Southland Scrutinies

Latin Americans tend to not speak Slavic languages.

Resorts all kind of look the same – both internally and compared to each other.

Even toddler boys enjoy watching a hussy dressed in a thong and bralet, shaking her, um, “gifts.”

Resort gyms tend to be empty. 

It is possible to create a shower gel that smells like Manischewitz wine.  I did not test this theory, but I suspect it might also taste like Manischewitz wine.

My Spanish is bad enough that I get responded to in English.

The southland sun is both more present and more direct than the tundra’s sun.  I can burn through SPF 70 after just over an hour of exposure to it – and yes, I even actually wait inside for a bit after applying my sunscreen.  Thanks!

I overheard a kid around six years old order a pina colada “sin alcohol” – at first I thought, “Duh.”  Then I thought, “Yeah.”

I do not order my pina coladas “sin alcohol.”  I just order them.

Everyone wants me to try their tequila – everyone except me, that is.

Some folks think that if they tell me my Spanish is good, I will be more inclined to buy something from them.  Um, here’s the thing: I don’t believe you when you tell me I “have no accent” in my “excellente” Spanish.  Do you know why?  Because I have a freaking noticeable accent in ENGLISH.  Sure, it’s a bit of a hodge-podge from various places I’ve lived, but it is a definite accent. 

Man, is there some trashy crap out there.  I wonder what the target market is for some of these “products.”

There are a lot of guys out there who want to be my novio latino.  I’m hot.

Despite significant care and attention to not get sunburned and DEFINITELY not get a farmer’s tan, I am sunburned.  However, I have an inverse farmer’s tan.  Apparently it’s time to adopt some sleeves.  (Note: My avoidance strategy for avoiding undesirable tan/burn lines revolved around wearing tank tops and swimsuits, so as not to have any sleeves.  I coated my whole being in SPF 70 pretty much hourly as well.)

Pretty much every taxi is a van.  A fifteen-passenger van.  Not a hybrid.  Killing the big blue ball.  Killing it.

“Meal-sized” salad is not a universal measurement.  Pleasant location does not make being hungry pleasant.  There is a possibility that I am a bit of a pig, but I don’t want to explore that possibility. 

Contrary to the fears of some of my male family members, I never felt unsafe or in danger of being hacked into pieces by a machete.  Did you know that there was a recent recall on machetes?  Yeah, laceration hazard.

For every one hundred signs offering free shots, there might be one sign offering wi-fi.  The wi-fi is probably not free.

Checking one’s account balance in a weak currency is VERY satisfying. 

A sketchy bathroom might not have soap or a light, but it could still have premium toilet paper.  Don’t judge prematurely, regardless of where you are.


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