In Food I (Don’t) Trust

I am a big fan of food and food let me down.  It poisoned me.  Yep, I recently suffered a bout of food poisoning and it blew chunks.  (Literally.)   It also dashed my confidence in the safety of food.  Since my previous standards failed me and I never want to go through that horror again, I am considering embracing a more objective method for food selection.  Going forward, I am going to trust food as far as I can throw it and avoid eating food that is less than 2x my length trustworthy.  To keep things objective, I vow to maintain consistency in my throw angle, arm extension, direction of throw, and force of throw.  I promise not to fling the Toblerone and then intentionally whiff the Roquefort.  I pretty much always have a jar of peanut butter on hand, so that will be my control food.  If it proves itself as trustworthy, I expect I will continue to have it on hand.

The Candidates

Here are the candidate from my first round of throws:

Beef – A red meat.  This one is in here to make me doubt or return to the decade I spent as a vegetarian.  Please note that this is AMERICAN beef, so concerns of mad cow are unwarranted.  I’m sure a pound of British beef throws entirely differently.  (Ha – “pound” is money over there and I suspect they package their meat in kilos.)

Mushrooms – These fungi are sneaky little buggers.  To the untrained eye, they could be delicious or poisonous.  I suspect that as globalization expands and stereotypes decrease, growing numbers of idiots will elect for “mushroom roulette” over the Russian variety.  I inherently no longer trust any food that I am not supposed to wash – particularly if it grows where deer pee.

Peanut Butter – I don’t have a nut allergy, so I am pretty trusting of the PB.  It travels well and gets along well with others – bananas, jam, honey, fluff…

 Girl Scout Cookies – I hoard these so still have several boxes.  HOWEVER, there is something about a $4 box of cookies “to support the kids” that seems a little fishy. 

Avocado – It’s supposed to be wondrous.  We schmear it on their faces and feed it to our babies.  HAVE WE BEEN PLAYED FOR FOOLS?   I sure hope not, as they are delicious.

Rice – The food pyramid made me feel like I needed a grain and a bag of rice is fun to fling!  I mean, “Mmm…rice!  A staple of many cultures!”

Results update tomorrow!


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