Toys That Are NOT Fun For Adults – Toddler Edition!

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat

Please leave a penny in the old man’s hat;

If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do,

If you haven’t got a ha’penny then God Bless You!


Christmas is coming…Hanukkah is coming…St. Nick’s Day is coming…basically, a lot days (and series of days) which involve gift giving and gift receiving will soon upon us.  Kids in particular receive a LOT of crap.  Sure, they receive some nice stuff too, but: In my experience, kids get a lot of crap.  Crap that is annoying (to kid and/or others), dangerous, frustrating, fragile, and flat-out soul sucking.  The following is a partial list (based solely on my experience and from my trusted-sources of hearsay) of the most annoying toys.  Ban them from your home and give them to the children of your least-favorite adults!  It boggles me that a market still exists for some of these toys; a lot of shoppers are either passive aggressive or don’t have their own kids.







Aight.  I know adults with jobs like “surgeon” who struggle with remote controlled toys.  I don’t know why this makes people think that some little tike who lacks the hand-eye coordination to get their spoon into their mouth on a consistent basis will fare better.  Additionally, the chances that both components (remote and toy) will be locatable and equipped with working batteries at the same time is about as probable as Paul Wellstone being our next president.  (NB: While that’d be totally AWESOME, Wellstone passed away in 2002 – aka before the births of these kidlets.)





Do you often struggle to hear the angry toddler at Whole Foods?  Do you wish the tantrumming two year old on your last flight had had better lung capacity?  How many toddlers do you know who are not naturally loud enough?  Right.  So…betwixt us, that’s zero – and I know a lot of toddlers.  (It’s an occupational hazard.)  This is a toy where the lack of batteries is a bad thing, because it means you can’t turn it off.  This bin would make a great advertisement for ear plugs and/or Excedrin.





Containers of choking hazards!  All right, I know that this is labeled 3+, but chances are someone’s spinster aunt is going to see it and think it’s cute and since Little Timmy is soooo advanced, the warnings don’t apply to him.  I mean, Little Timmy is only ten months old and already walking!  He is totes ready for a round of choke-or-pass roulette.  Plus, it only cost a dollar. 

PSA: Yes, age restrictions are more of a guideline, but their basis is in reason – and a general desire by companies to not be sued..  When in doubt, ASK THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT(S).  The general rule for choking hazards is that a safe item will not pass through the tube from a roll of tp.





I loathe Play-Doh.  I abhor Play-Doh.  I cannot stand Play-Doh.  I am aware that this makes me a bad person, as Play-Doh has so many positve aspects.  However, it also gets under fingernails and into carpet and never really comes out of either.  The “best game” with the Doh is to mash it all together into a disgusting color and then demand an adult to make an accurate representation of Michelangelo’s David or whatever animal is currently chirping away on Nick Jr.  Then, we make a whole pack/hoard/school of snakes, which promptly get mashed into the nearest special care fabric.



Did you ever notice how it’s medium fun to turn these on in the store, but most people walk away before it completes even one round of the only song it plays?  Toddlers don’t do that; toddlers do the OPPOSITE of that.  They play that song over and over and over, regardless of whether or not it’s seasonally appropriate.  “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” does not become enchanting on Memorial Day.


I cannot imagine anyone would deign to give one of these to a child as a gift.  However, I will cover rationalization for these products and their benefits as some point in the near future.  It’s not just toys, but sometimes also people, that channel the debbil.


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